Today, if I did my math correctly, is the 50th day since I was given full rights and responsibility for a brand new real live human baby. And let me tell you [warn you], this is the most difficult thing in the world to do. Harder than AP Chem. Harder that Honors Physics. Harder than fighting a crocodile. [For the record, I have never done any of those things.]
On the third day of bringing Little Miss Maya home, Jose [suspiciously] had to work super late, my mom was at work, my brother [free nanny] away, and my next sister decided to go out for the rest of the night. The house was empty and I was sleep deprived. At about 8pm, Maya woke up hungry, but also refused to eat. She cried, Cried, CRIED. Eventually, I set her down on the bed, pulled over a pillow and cried with her. Soon enough, we both fell asleep and set a new record [since her birth] for consecutive hours of sleep.
Since then, my self-esteem has only continued to be battered by this now-7.5-lb baby. I have realized how unskilled I am at caring for a human…including myself. Things that seem obvious have turned out to be so complex. Just look at the things I have had to google these past weeks:
-How to bathe baby.
-How to feed baby.
-How big is my baby’s stomach?
-Why do I have to burp my baby?
-How do I know if my baby is constipated?
-Is it normal for my baby to stop breathing?
-Why does my baby hate me?
Prior to this child being pulled out early from my sliced up belly, I had made multiple to-do lists and guides on how to take off on this race to the top. - MY CHILD WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME: POTTY TRAINED AT ASAP MONTHS, READING AT A 100-GRADE-LEVEL AND SETTING NEW STANDARDS FOR MUSIC PRODIGIES. - After burning those lists in shame for my folly, I made sure to thank BABY JESUS for giving me an annoying brother that is patient with children, two old-school grandmas regardless of the questionable practices they suggest for baby-raising, and a husband so intent at beating me in the parenting category that he is willing to spend sleepless feeding marathons so he can later rub them in my face [while I sleep, so technically, he is the sucker].
Meanwhile, my only measurable success has come from getting 15+ likes on multiple cropped and filtered baby pictures on instagram. Today, I will sleep one more hour and then rise and shine and plan my day around a nursing coaching session at the WIC with some other clueless young female parents. And hopefully, someday Little Miss Maya will appreciate my existence if only for a couple of seconds.