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[562132310♥818]
I'm a full time hustler, and retired pimp.

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11 April 14

Duke, Duke, Mothaf***a!

  • Guard: Look at that shirt she's wearing. Bet she doesn't even know what Duke is.
  • Me: Ha. I went to Duke!
  • Guard: You went to Duke? Then what are you doing here!
  • Me: I need to work.
  • Guard: (still doubtful) Where is Duke anyway...?
  • Me: Durham.
  • Guard: Yea, North Carolina. Been there a lot. Well, see you tomorrow.
9 April 14

New job. New steel toed boots.

"We are anti-union," the shift supervisor declared at orientation. After that, we watched a five-minute clip on the truth about unions and worker organizing. They will take big cuts out of your paychecks. Talking it out directly with your managers and supervisors is best. And also, unions take big cuts out of your paychecks. If a union organizer comes up to you, make sure you DON’T sign the union card. That’s how they reel you in. Remember, you don’t want that big cut out of your paycheck.

I’m grateful to have found a job so quickly after being laid-off as a consequence of the deceit and inadequacy of certain local government leaders. But, I feel like I am entering the world of Winston Smith in 1984. I must eradicate all illegal rebellious thoughts from my mind! Besides, if I can prove myself to the Party…er, the company, then soon I may get to wear their awesome shirts and drive their fancy trucks. Meanwhile, I must lift with my knees and not with my back and race the clock to glory.

7 October 13

Parenting 101: 50th Day Reflection

Today, if I did my math correctly, is the 50th day since I was given full rights and responsibility for a brand new real live human baby. And let me tell you [warn you], this is the most difficult thing in the world to do. Harder than AP Chem. Harder that Honors Physics. Harder than fighting a crocodile. [For the record, I have never done any of those things.]

On the third day of bringing Little Miss Maya home, Jose [suspiciously] had to work super late, my mom was at work, my brother [free nanny] away, and my next sister decided to go out for the rest of the night. The house was empty and I was sleep deprived. At about 8pm, Maya woke up hungry, but also refused to eat. She cried, Cried, CRIED. Eventually, I set her down on the bed, pulled over a pillow and cried with her. Soon enough, we both fell asleep and set a new record [since her birth] for consecutive hours of sleep.

Since then, my self-esteem has only continued to be battered by this now-7.5-lb baby. I have realized how unskilled I am at caring for a human…including myself. Things that seem obvious have turned out to be so complex. Just look at the things I have had to google these past weeks:

-How to bathe baby.
-How to feed baby.
-How big is my baby’s stomach?
-Why do I have to burp my baby?
-How do I know if my baby is constipated?
-Is it normal for my baby to stop breathing?
-Why does my baby hate me?

Prior to this child being pulled out early from my sliced up belly, I had made multiple to-do lists and guides on how to take off on this race to the top. - MY CHILD WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME: POTTY TRAINED AT ASAP MONTHS, READING AT A 100-GRADE-LEVEL AND SETTING NEW STANDARDS FOR MUSIC PRODIGIES. - After burning those lists in shame for my folly, I made sure to thank BABY JESUS for giving me an annoying brother that is patient with children, two old-school grandmas regardless of the questionable practices they suggest for baby-raising, and a husband so intent at beating me in the parenting category that he is willing to spend sleepless feeding marathons so he can later rub them in my face [while I sleep, so technically, he is the sucker].

Meanwhile, my only measurable success has come from getting 15+ likes on multiple cropped and filtered baby pictures on instagram. Today, I will sleep one more hour and then rise and shine and plan my day around a nursing coaching session at the WIC with some other clueless young female parents. And hopefully, someday Little Miss Maya will appreciate my existence if only for a couple of seconds.

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Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh